No Beginning: After They Were Gone

 After my grandfather and my mother passed away, it was just me and my grandmother.

But she was not the same anymore.

A Different Person

Before, she was strong.

She worked. She swam into deep water. She found a way to feed us.

Now, something inside her had broken.

She started drinking more.

Not just sometimes.

Most of the time.

When she drank, she changed.

She would act like someone else had taken over her body. People said it was her ancestors. I didn’t understand it.

I only knew that the grandmother I depended on was slowly disappearing.

Trying to Hold On

Even like that, she still tried to take care of me.

Life became harder.

There was less money. Less food. Less stability.

At the same time, I got badly injured.

I don’t remember every detail of the accident, but I remember the pain.

I had to go to the hospital.

I needed surgery.

No Money, No Choice

We had nothing.

No savings. No support.

My grandmother had to sell everything she had.

Anything that could bring even a small amount of money.

She didn’t complain.

She just did what she had to do.

The Hospital

I was taken to a children’s hospital.

I stayed there for a while.

That place felt very different from everything I knew.

Clean. Quiet. Structured.

People took care of me.

Step by step, I started to recover.

The Relief

When I got better, my grandmother was happy.

Really happy.

I could see it on her face.

It was like a weight had been lifted.

Like she had been carrying fear the whole time, and now she could finally breathe.

The End She Was Waiting For

Not long after that…

She passed away.

Looking Back

Sometimes I think about it.

It felt like she was waiting.

Waiting to see if I would survive.

Waiting to know that I would be okay.

And once she saw that I was no longer at risk…

She let go.

Alone in the House

Before I was taken in by relatives, there was a time I stayed in the house alone.

That house didn’t feel the same anymore.

During the day, it was quiet.

But at night, it became something else.

The Fear

My neighbors started telling me things.

They said they saw my grandparents sitting on the stairs while I was asleep.

They said their spirits were still in the house.

Maybe for them, it was just something to say.

Maybe even a joke.

For me, it was terrifying.

Inside the house were the urns of my grandparents.

At night, I would lie down, staring into the darkness.

Every small sound felt louder.

Every shadow felt like something was there.

I didn’t want to move.

I didn’t want to open my eyes.

All I wanted was one thing.

To fall asleep as fast as possible.

No One Left

After my grandmother passed away, I had no one.

No parents.

No grandparents.

No home that felt like mine.

Moving Again

My uncle took me in.

He brought me to Battambang.

I went with him because I had no other option.

A Life Without School

In Battambang, I didn’t go to school.

I worked.

I helped his family.

I took care of cows.

Day after day, it was the same routine.

Work. Eat. Sleep.

No learning.

No direction.

The Moment That Stayed With Me

One day, I was walking the cows.

It was just another normal day.

Then I saw something.

Kids my age riding bicycles.

Wearing school uniforms.

Going to school.

Talking. Laughing.

Moving forward.

I stopped.

I watched them.

And something inside me felt heavy.

Not anger.

Not jealousy.

Just a quiet question.

Why not me?